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i really need to calm down and get over him.
damn.
im crazy.
He posted a bulletin saying 'Sloan's a cutie' so i blocked him and unblocked him which deleted him from my friends list, that way if he wants to talk he has to call me.
I doubt he will though.
I don't care.
I can't let it get me down right?
ugh.
But it is.
I just cried three times in a row.
I don't know how to handle this, but I guess I have to try my best right?
And it's my time of the month so I'm a little tempered right now.
It doesn't help.
damn it.
I wish I could start this all over and try to do everything right.
I hate having regrets.
I saw her though, I think.
She is way prettier, more developed, and most likely more mature.
She has connections, throws parties, and is most likely more experienced.
They probably already made out and shit at the party.
I hate this so much.
I can't believe I thought I loved him either.
I'm so stupid and naive.
But I can't help that I still like him, I really do.
He doesn't know though, much less would he probably care either.
He didn't reply to my message I sent him yesterday.
He probably is mad or thinks I'm annoying.
He probably never even liked me.
I wish I never walked into the theater and saw him with all those girls.
I should have not walked up there when I did either.
I should have just saw and walked away..
I wish i could hate him.
He moved on very quickly to have liked me so much.
What a fucking liar.
I wish i could punch him in the face.
How could he do this?
He's already crazy over another girl.
Fixing to go 'trip bawls' with her tonight.
Fuck him. Fuck her.
He's such an asshole.
I can't believe this.
Whatever.
I'm giving up all together.
I'm not even going to break up with this one chick.
I'm just going to spread this disease and make her have a horrible relationship too.
I don't care.
Fuck it all.
He just made up excuses to break up with me because he wanted someone else.
Fucking asshole.
unless the girl he likes alot is me.
but then again..
rebound much?
From my notebook.
So what about this boy?
He says he doesn't want to be my first everything, but who said he had to be?
I think he does hes just scared it won't work out, but why wouldn't it?
I mean I know it won't last forever, it's just a teenage relationship.
Here's a conversation between me and his best friend [read from bottom to top]:
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 01:43 AM
Yep those are the ones!
Oh ok i assumed he didn't see u but that makes it much easier...meaning he just might mention it.
Ok goodnite
sweet dreams to u too.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 10:40 PM
the color game boy games?!
i loved those
if he brings it up.
he prolly will
unless he was having too much a good time to care.
but he put his arms out for a hug and i hesitated
and then he was like 'what?..' and i said 'ill just leave you to your girls.' so i think he knows anyway.. it realy upset me though. i guess i got jealous
sweet dreams.
you deserve it since youve been working and lacking on sleep :]
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 01:37 AM
I never played the card game but i loved the video games for pokemon Dragonite pwns! lol
Goodnite.
But one thing.
Do i mention the movie thing about seeing him with 5 er 6 other girls then leaving immediately?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 10:33 PM
thats cool though
i like pokemon myself.
okay good night then.
dont say your trying to convince him though
dont make it obvious..
i mean
im not sending you on a mission x]
thank you though
if he says anything about a girlfriend tell him its going to be over between me and her tomorrow..
well good luck trying to get ahold of him
i think hes at a party tonight
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 01:23 AM
Oh no! I've been found out! pssh O.o Vinny used to play too XD so XP
Yes stress sucks.
I'm gonna get to bed cause i gotta wake up early i'll try to get ahold of vinny for u and convince him to be ur boyfriend again and for good this time. I think its fear that holds him back really...
But nothing good can ever happen to u if u let fear hold u. Or u'll never get know what could have been. But anyway i'll talk to him bout it.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 10:19 PM
Obvious yu-gi-yo fan.
:P
Eh, this is stressing.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 01:18 AM
Him still liking u is ur ace in the hole. You hold the winning card u just gotta use it correctly to win. Idk how yet but i'll figure that out =]
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 10:16 PM
I won't..
I don't want to ruin any chances.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 01:15 AM
Little do you know he still does. Never mention that to him or it might ruin ur chances. Seriously he told me he is still crazy about u.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 10:13 PM
what if he doesn't like me anymore though?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 01:13 AM
He didn't like amber. =]
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 10:11 PM
But when amber liked him he couldnt wait till she gave up?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 01:09 AM
Do't exhaust urself O.o
I've only gotten 12hrs of sleep this week waiting for him to call me. Lastnite i got the most sleep. I gotta get up at 8m to work for this girl at my job cause her grandma died so i took her spot so she could go to the funeral...i woulda had off tomorrow. Oh well its life XD
But anyway YES! you should go out with him. Don't give up keep fighting till u win.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 10:05 PM
Thank you..
He shouldn't be scared though because we dont have to do those things yet, especially if he doesn't think it's time yet. We could have just enjoyed being together as a couple like we were.
I know.. I'm trying to be patient about this..
I really want him back.
I want to be able to say he's my boyfriend again.
x]
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 01:01 AM
I like ur selfless attitude. Its a good quality in people. I think ur right though he's just afraid of another one of those hope situations..idk I'll try my best to help u out. I'll just bug him to call me. Just be patcient i guess...
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 9:56 PM
I'm glad you think I'm a good person because I know your his best friend, and you didn't like Hope one bit.
I think he means 'first every things' like a longer relationship, sex, saying 'i love you', things that him and Hope went through including the bad.
I don't know.. maybe he wants to be with me but he doesn't want it to end up not working out in the end like him and Hope.
That or hes making it up as an excuse for something else.
I'm too confused about it..
I hope I got this all right though.
I'm trying my best.
I'm just going to go with whatever makes him happy.
As long as me and him can at least be good friends.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 12:46 AM
His hope? only thing hope did wrong was argue with him over and over. I find u completely different from her. To be honest i have this thing. I can tell if a person is good at heart or not. I get a good feeling from u and i think he should be going out with u. I'll try my best to help u out but since i barelly hear from vinny or even see him lately its gonna be kinda hard...
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 9:42 PM
He told me it was because he didn't want to be my first everything. He didn't want to be my 'Hope'.
But he doesn't have to be my first everything just yet.
I don't see why we can't just enjoy what we had.
But it's what he wants.
I don't really have a choice.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 12:38 AM
Its so weird really i don't even know why he broke up with u. He never told me...he called me this morning for about 10mins and I never got around to it cause i was asking him if he would hang out with me next weekend for my birthday.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 9:36 PM
He told me I should.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 12:34 AM
Did he tell you that up front or just imply or do u just think that?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 9:33 PM
Yeah but he wants me to get over him.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 12:31 AM
U care cause you like him alot. Question answered.
idk what to tell you.
U still like him correct?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 9:28 PM
he was the only boy around like six girls and he was going to a party that night.
what am i to expect hes gonna do?
yeah i wanted to hang out with him but idk i didnt know it was gonne be just him and six girls.
i dont know why i care that they were girls..
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 12:26 AM
No really i wanna know
why'd u leave?
i understand he was around a buncha other people but didn't u wanna hang out with him too?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 9:23 PM
okay nevermind.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 10 Feb 2007, 12:20 AM
why'd u leave?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sailor Sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 8:41 PM
i saw vinny at the movies for like ten seconds then i left cause he was with like five or six girls.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 09 Feb 2007, 10:40 PM
Lol nah thats ok XD
Thanks though.
How was ur day?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: sailor sally
Date: Feb 9, 2007 2:14 PM
no way!!
i know we dont really know each other but do you want a present?? :]
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 09 Feb 2007, 12:50 PM
Haha..
Guess what!
Next week is my birthday
woooo
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Alyssa
Date: Feb 9, 2007 5:21 AM
i just woke up too haha
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 09 Feb 2007, 04:01 AM
Oh. I fell alseep all together and just read ur message. But i'm sleepy now going to bed.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Alyssa
Date: Feb 8, 2007 11:50 PM
no i tried calling but no one answered then i fell asleep thinking he might try to call me
and now im awake and i could have called him if i didnt fall asleep
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Rodney
Date: 09 Feb 2007, 02:35 AM
did u get vinny?
----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Alyssa
Date: Feb 8, 2007 11:30 PM
still up?
I think I love him though but then again I don't know for sure because I'm still maturing into who I am and who I like.
Maybe he thinks he loves me too. He just doesn't want to go through what he did with his last girlfriend. He thinks it will happen again and I just need to find someone else to do this little phase with because he doesn't want to be the one to hurt me like she hurt him.
I want to be with him though.
Weather it turns out bad or not because at least I'll have memories of still being with him and I know that I wanted it then. I do. I mean why waste our feelings to no use when we could be together right now being happy with each other. It doesn't always have to end so fast. We can take it slow and he won't have to be my everything. Feelings fade sometimes. Maybe he'll just stop liking me one day or I will him. Then we have to move on, but why move on when we know we like each other?
But how exactly do you know if you love someone?
Is it different for everyone?
What's the feeling like?
Is it that you think about them so much you can't help but call them every night?
And the nights you don't call them you just want to go straight to bed?
You get jealous when he's around a bunch of girls even though your not together anymore?
Tell me exactly.
What is love?
Someone I know said love is unconditional.
You would do anything for that one person.
You just love them.
What do you think?
Ask yourself what love is.
and tell me if every girl/boy you ever went out with and you said 'i love you' just because she/he was your girlfriend/boyfriend.
I bet not.
Because love is way better then just being a couple.
You can feel it in your heart when you think, talk, see, hear, smell that person.
You don't know what love is and I probably don't either, but can you prove it?
No because it's nothing yet everything at all.
Everyone wants it even though it hurts so badly in the end for most people because they really don't know what love is.
Don't laugh at me Im spastic :
If African Americans came from Africa aren't they our guests? Shouldn't they have been treated with respect? Why did we enslave people? They could have enslaved us but they didn't.
These three girls in ISSP kept staring at me and if they would have said something to me I know what I would have said, 'Atleast my friends don't wear anal beads around their necks you slut, go put on some pants.'
I thought it was pretty good.
I need to brake up with a girl because I feel bad, I don't really like her and she's one of those people who says 'I love you' before they know it.
I miss my best friend.
I wish she didn't run away.
Hopefully I'll be able to see her today or tomorrow.
I don't know why she ran away though.
The most use she could use her runaway for is to save her dog.
go pick it up from the vet and make her dad pay the bill.
I would.
I love animals.
And she's always saying how she'd stab her dad if her dog died.
Progress reports yesterday.
Language Arts - B
Algebra - C
Science - C
Social Studies - F
Art - A
P.E. - D
I'm working on the social studies along with everything else.
I don't really care for P.E. though.
And I still need to pay my art supply fee.
Emotes :
:D -.- :|
:[ :] :P
>:[ >:D :/
D;< :) :(
;) ;D D:
D:< >;D >;]
|8B |8[ :B
<(^_^<) (>^_^<)
>:B
I'm in math right now though.
The teachers talking about who knows what, dude.
He said something about graph paper.
5x-4 as an equation.
graphing. that's what they are doing.
y = mx+b
he's using a graphing calculator on the overhead.
'now let's go to our book'.
confused.
I need to pay attention.
Lately I've been loosing alot of my old friends.
I miss alot, but some I could care less.
How could I win them back?
They think I'm leaving them to be a 'scene kid'.
I'm really not.
I'm just getting more friends and more plans.
I can't help it.
I'm not gonna say no to them because it's too much fun.
I don't have the will power.
I'd be just as fine hanging out with my older friends than my newer ones.
My newer ones are closer and they make plans ahead though.
I have canceled plans with my own boyfriend to hangout with a girl who makes me feel a bit shitty, excuse my language.
By the way, I'm going to use a few "bad words".
someone just called so i lost my train of thought.
I'll probably finish later tonight.
- Mood:
content
Well yesterday I woke up under my computer desk. Brittany was watching T.V. and kayla left to hang out with her brother. All day that day kayla was being mean to me. It's really starting to piss me off how she treats me like shit around brittany. She's acting bossy and like she's oh so cool. She's pretty gay actually. She has a crush on almost every boy she makes out with and then she just throws them away, but if they throw her away its a big heartbreak. Anyways, off subject. I got up and got ready and clean and all that good stuff. After that kayla got back and started saying to brittany that I was mad at her. I hate when she does that. She just assumes that Im in a bad mood, and then she tells brittany, why not just tell me? Fuck. I know I'm talking pretty bad about her right now but it's true. She is my best friend though. I still love her, she just has her moments. She says some pretty bitchy things sometimes too and when I say something back she gets all mad like I was just supposed to take it? I don't think so. She is just getting alittle big headed I guess.
Lately I've been noticing more ugly on me. I mean I used to have pretty skin but now i see wrinkles under my eyes, my cheeks are red, and my nose is getting red. I dont like it. The only thing I can think of it coming from is ciggarettes or something. I need to stop and drink water and just start over. I dont want to get anymore uglier then I already was.
I'm suprised I even have a boyfriend. It doesnt seem that great to me actually because part of me doesnt like him while the other part of me is obsessed. I still like my ex Jamie, but I know I cant have him because he has a girlfriend. He goes through girls like his outfits. a month or so and its over. Him and Carmen have been together an awful lot though, but when i was over there carmen was all over him and he was just standing there holding her. Like all she wanted was lust, and he knew. I dont know, Im crazy.
Im getting fatter too. Each and everyday I get uglier and fatter. Its disgusting. I need to stop going down the wrong path because its harming me physically and emotionally on the inside and out. I know I wasnt pretty before but now Im just ugly.
Most people wish they could rewind time and redo things they didnt like but I don't. I wouldn't want to go through my life day by day all over again. Im already grown on the inside, Im just waiting for my time to come.
If anyone were to find me writing this or find this profile and match it to me I'd deny and say 'fake fake' because I know they'd make fun of me and laugh, call me 'emo' and ditch me. Theyd think I was depressed and crazy.
I think I am, why wouldn't they?
So like I was saying, I went to Dave and Busters with Kymber, my brothers girlfriend, and her mom. Her mom paid for everything. I got a frog and a candy. I won a jackpot and I was so happy Haha. It was really fun. We ate there too. Her mom kept saying something about shots haha I also made a complete clown of myself trying to play DDR haha.
Her mom dropped us off at her house and then we all just chilled.
we ended up getting hungry again so andrew brought home wendy's on his way home from work.
we all watched starwars and fell asleep.
My mom woke me up this morning and i forgot to grab my purse and frog and scrapbook paper, but yeah I did Hah. But i was washing my hair and my mom started yelling asking if i was gonna be late today for school and i just said 'lalala i dont know your annoying me already' and i ignored her because she decided to get mad over nothing and i kept getting ready
and i noticed how ugly i looked so i needed to get my makeup but it was in my purse. and i asked my mom if we could go get it since they only live right down old st augustine and she said that im not going to school today.
I dont know.
